During my second miscarriage, my regular gynaecologist was away on holiday and I saw the covering doctor instead. Since it happened just right after the first, I felt a little resigned to the situation but nonetheless still sad.
There were already signs of miscarriage so it was not a sudden discovery. But something hit me hard - the closing words of the covering doctor were,
You already have 2 children; so don’t feel so sad about it okay?
I left the clinic with those words in my head. The next few days, I started telling myself,
I don’t deserve to feel sad.
I already have 2 children.
I felt that by feeling sad, I was being insensitive to the struggles of childless couples. Also, I felt I was doing my children a disservice. There was no time to grieve, I’ve to care for my children, I’ve to be there for them.
But choosing not to grieve was the worst. I started watching Korean dramas to distract myself. It was a terrible passive activity that has no healing effect whatsoever. I started to have feelings of bitterness and envy. I decided I had to put a stop to it.
So I started to doodle and paint in the mornings when I was alone at home. Initially, I felt that I was being lazy. Doodling and painting has no economical or tangible benefits! I should be going out to find more work, to do something constructive, cook more, prepare more activities for the children, so on and so on.
But the ever so encouraging husband told me,
You need to do it to find rest and then gain strength for the day
So I started painting. And as I painted, I starting grieving and the process of healing began,
I don’t have to feel guilty for feeling sad.
I need to grieve to heal.
During one morning while I was painting, I came upon this word,
"You light a lamp for me. The Lord, my God, lights up my darkness." Psalms 18:28
No matter what you’re going through, whether you think it’s a big or small issue, take the time to rest in His word, take the time to grieve, and He will light up your darkness and heal your wounds.